i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
