You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
