doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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