You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
