Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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