I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she told me i tasted like america
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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