Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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