My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
