It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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