i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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