Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
