she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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