I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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