my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
