Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
