Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
