He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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