My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize