i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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