you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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