oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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