Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
