I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
