Someone shit on the floor
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
