You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
