Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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