Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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