I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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