hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I understand Curling. That high.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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