im having a threesome with these popsicles
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
