My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
