DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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