If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
