when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
