Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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