I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
