I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
