the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
where are my eyebrows?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
