You're my little dorito
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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