i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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