This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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