I am in a vortex of obligation.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
