Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
