So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
