I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
