My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Semen is not good for contacts.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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