How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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