the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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