Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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