As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
