ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
