I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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