i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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