You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
