Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize