I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Fuck appropriateness.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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