Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
