When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
