I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Green mimosas i think yes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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