woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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