My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
