And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Say something about gay babies.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
